Sin – Confrontation – Heart – Idol – Gospel

The heart is the key to behavior and if we want to help one another or be helped we must get to the heart. When we confront we move beyond the behavior and help our brother or sister see how sin is at work. For example, you see a friend speak in anger to his wife. You can ignore it, but that isn’t loving to your friend, to his wife, to his children, or to the others who see Christ dishonored through this man’s sinful speech. You can simply confront him with a bold proclamation against his sin, but that isn’t loving either. We need to gently point out sin and then seek to help him.

You can very gently say something like, “I noticed when we were together earlier that you said ______ to your wife. It seemed as though there was anger in your voice. What was going on?” If your friend is wise he will receive these questions with gladness. If he is like me he might be defensive. Either way, we trust that the same Holy Spirit prompting me to confront is also at work in his heart to conform him to the image of Jesus. He will likely pass the blame for his anger by telling you what his wife did to make him angry. Of course, she may very well have first sinned against her husband, but we know that no one makes us respond in sin. We do that ourselves. So our goal is to help him own his own sin.

He doesn’t need, primarily, better communication tips. He doesn’t merely need a list of do’s and don’t’s in communicating his frustrations to his wife. He needs to see his heart in the midst of his anger. In some way he was living for his own kingdom and his wife had gotten in the way of his goals. Perhaps he had elevated peace of mind as an idol in his heart. His wife then did something that caused stress and he responded in anger because she became a barrier to the peace of mind he wanted. Perhaps he had elevated some activity as an idol in his heart. His wife then did or said something that put the enjoyment of that activity in question so he responded with anger because she became a barrier to that enjoyment. Perhaps having a submissive wife has been elevated to an idol in his heart. He wants the community to know that his wife submits to him so when she did something that calls this into question he got angry at her because she had become a barrier to the status he wanted.

The point is this: Behind his anger is some kind of idol. He had ceased living for the kingdom of God and was living for his own kingdom. His wife did not play by the rules of his kingdom and so he responded with anger. This is the problem of marriage. You bring together two people with two different kingdoms and expect them to live in harmony. You soon learn that the other is not playing by your rules and conflict comes. This is why it isn’t enough to merely give better communication tips. If someone is still living for his own kingdom he will simply use those communication skills to continue living for his kingdom. There needs to be a change of heart. And this is what we want to do when we are confronting friends.

If we are going to help a friend experience heart change we must never forget that there is one means by which a heart is truly changed—the gospel. We cannot love our neighbor without the gospel. The gospel hits at every point of need. This husband needs to change. He needs to love his wife like Christ loved the church. It isn’t enough to merely quote from Ephesians 5 about what a husband is to do. We must help our friend place his story—his life—into the larger context of God’s story. We read the command, “Husbands, love your wife like Christ loved the church.” But we can’t actually understand what that means without understanding the whole story. We need to understand how sin has separated us from God so that God sent his beloved Son as a man in order to die for the sins of his people. And by this death and his subsequent resurrection God has created a new people to whom he promises to use his omnipotent power to work all things for their good.

The gospel makes a claim on our lives. It calls us to change. It calls us to holiness and obedience. So we need to preach the gospel to one another and call each other to greater holiness and obedience. But we will never be able to heed the call of the gospel if we don’t also have the comfort of the gospel. We need to understand that in Christ our sins are forgiven. I can’t live the life God wants me to live if by living it I think God will love me more. I first need to know that God loves me and he couldn’t possibly love me more because his love is already endless. It is the knowledge and experience of that love that enables me to strive for greater holiness. We obey not in order for God to love us, but because he already does.

The Thirsty Man

A man had been out in the hot sun working all day. He repaired roads and the asphalt made it even hotter. He still had an hour left to work, but had run out of water hours ago. Fortunately there was a shop near the road he was repairing. He decided to go in and ask for a drink.

“Hello!” said the shopkeeper. “What a hot day. How can I help you?”

“Could I get some water?” asked the man who was covered with sweat.

“Certainly,” responded the shopkeeper. He took a small coffee cup (it was all he had on the counter) and poured in some cool water. Strangely, however, after filling the cup with water, the man noticed that the shopkeeper also put in a drop of poison. The man knew that this poison was so deadly that even in the smallest most diluted amounts it would kill an human.

“Here you go,” the shopkeeper said as he handed the man the cup. But the man refused to drink it.

“No problem,” said the shopkeeper who then ran in back and brought out a larger glass. He poured the water from the cup into the glass and then filled the rest of the glass with more cool refreshing water. Again, he said, “Here you go,” and held out the glass. And again the man refused to drink it.

“No problem,” said the shopkeeper. This time he took a large bucket that had been hanging on the wall and poured the water from the glass into the bucket. He then filled the rest of the bucket with more cool refreshing water. “Here you go.”

A third time the man refused to drink it. Finally he walked out of the shop even thirstier than when he walked in.

Would You Drink It?

The man refused to drink the water because he knew there was poison. It didn’t matter that there was more water than poison or that the shopkeeper kept adding more and more water to it. The poison was still there. Would you drink it?

Often we think that by doing more good works we can get rid of our sin. The problem is that even if we have a bucket full of good works, we still have the drop of sin. And for those of us who are honest with ourselves and the dark thoughts and desires of our hearts, the more accurate picture would be a bucket full of poison with a drop of water.

The water won’t be good to drink unless the poison is actually removed. Therein lies the great question of life: How do we get rid of the poison?

Up to this point they have only debated at secular venues. No churches or Christian colleges have invited them to come because they don’t want someone like Ron Jeremy up front sharing what he believes and why. But now they have two debates scheduled for two different churches. One church only agreed if Ron would come to church on Sunday and share from the front about faith, God and his life. Gross writes:

Ron does not claim to be a Christian.  Why share a church stage with someone that does not claim to be a Christian yet? What can we possibly learn from that?

A whole lot I believe. I believe if Christians and others would listen to more people who are not just like us, and give them opportunities in our environments, we both might experience change.

This sounds like good peacemaking to me. Read the whole thing.

One last thing. Pornography is not consumed by only the irreligious. We would all be fools to think that believing, practicing Christians and Muslims don’t struggle with pornography. XXXchurch has free software designed to help keep people accountable in their web surfing. I would encourage anyone reading to have some safety measures in place while they are online.

“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God”
(from our Lord Jesus Christ in the Injil [Matthew 5:8]).

I’ll break it down really simple.  Ask yourself this question:  How often do the words, “I’m sorry.  Will you please forgive me?” come out of your mouth towards your spouse?

Not very often?

If not, either your spouse is enabling your sin, you have a low view of your sin, or you are too insecure in your identity in Christ to confess.

I could easily say that the consistent theme that I have seen in marriages that fall apart (or are completely dysfunctional) is the inability to name sin and repent.  But believing the Gospel should compel us to see our sin (that is what Jesus died for right?) and if we believe that Jesus had to die for my sin then why would it be a big shocker that I would have to name that same sinful state to my spouse as part of the means by which I kill it.

Embrace the need to repent and do so verbally to your mate.  The blessing upon your marriage will be huge.

Related Posts:
Repentance
Sin Destroys Peace
More on Repentance
“I’m sorry, I was wrong, will you please forgive me?”

I’ve been reading through Paul Tripp’s book What Did You Expect, and he has some thoughts on forgiveness that I thought were very profound.  Having laid out some of the blessings/benefits of forgiveness, Tripp asks, “Why don’t people just forgive?”  He then points out that “the sad reality is that there is short-term, relationally destructive power in refusing to forgive. Holding onto our spouse’s wrongs gives us the upper hand in our relationship” (page 90).

I think it’s worth listing the “dark benefits” that Tripp delineates so that we can examine ourselves and find where we are seeking to reap those benefits rather than taking the healthy, God-glorifying, servant-hearted approach of forgiveness.

1.  Debt is power.  There is power in having something to hold over another’s head.  There is power in using a person’s weakness and failure against him or her. In moments when we want our own way, we pull out some wrong against our spouse as our relational trump card.

2. Debt is identity. Holding onto our spouse’s sin, weakness, and failure makes us feel superior to our spouse. It allows us to believe that we are more righteous and mature than our spouse. We fall into the pattern of getting our sense of self not by what God has called us to be and do but by comparing ourselves to our spouse. This pattern plays into the self-righteousness that is the struggle of every sinner.

3. Debt is entitlement. Because of all our spouse’s wrongs against us, he or she owes us. Carrying our spouse’s wrongs makes us feel deserving and therefore comfortable with being self-focused and demanding. ‘After all I have had to endure in relationship with you, don’t I deserve…?”

4. Debt is weaponry. The sins and failures that our spouse has done against us that we still carry around with us are like a loaded gun; it is very tempting to pull them out and use them when we are angry. When our wife has hurt us in some way, it is very tempting to hurt her back by throwing in her face just how evil and immature she is.

5. Debt puts us in God’s position. It is the one place that we must never be, but it is also a position that all of us have put ourselves in. We are not the judge of our spouse. We are not the one who should dispense consequences for our spouse’s sin. It is not our job to make sure he feels the appropriate amount of guilt for what he has done. But it is very tempting to ascend to God’s throne and to make ourselves judge. (What Did You Expect, 90-91)

Tripp concludes, “This is nasty stuff.”  I agree!

Also, check out her follow up post, “Forgiveness Is an Investment: What It Costs.”

HT: Thabiti Anyabwile

*I intentionally did not link to the facebook page because I don’t want you to go see it. Same with the church’s website.

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I Hate This
I Hate This Too
Our Greatest Enemy

Elyse Fitzpatrick does a great job of helping us see how the gospel of Jesus Christ changes everything, including when anger rises in our heart while we impatiently wait at the grocery check out lane:

Briefly, here’s how the whole gospel message might impact me when I’m struggling with my own unbelief, idolatry and sin: Let’s say that I’ve got company coming over for dinner and I realize that I’m running low on table salt. I calculate the time I need to get to the store, get the salt and get home so that I can be a gracious, organized hostess (idols everywhere here). I jump in my car, race up to the store, grab the salt and run to the Quick Check Out line only to find myself stuck behind another woman who obviously didn’t read the “10 Items or Less” sign. Instantly I’m angry and then, because I know that my anger is sinful, I feel guilty and then, because I remember all the times I’ve failed like this, I despair. Now, what are my options?

Option #1: If I’m a Happy Moralist, I’ll assure myself that my anger is “righteous” because the person in front of me is not obeying the rules like I am. I’ll remain angry but feel better about it.

Option #2: If I’m a Sad Moralist, I’ll recognize that my anger isn’t righteous because I’m not loving my neighbor and I’m angry because of my idolatry. I’ll feel both guilty and angry but now I’ll despair because it seems as though I’ll never change.

Option #3: If I’ve been thinking about the cross without considering the rest of the gospel, I’ll despair even more because I’ll know that Jesus suffered for this sin and I’ll be sad, guilty and despairing thinking about how much pain He endured on my account. In this case the gospel doesn’t elevate my soul, it crushes me.

Option #4: If I’m seeking to live in the light of the whole gospel, my heart will be transformed in these ways:

• Because of the incarnation, Jesus Christ knows exactly what it is to live in a sin-cursed world with people who break the rules…like me. I am a rule-breaker but He’s loved me and he’s experienced every trial I face. He’s with me. He sympathizes with my weakness (Hebrews 4:15).This understanding of His love in the face of my sin drains my anger at my rule-breaking neighbor. I can love her because I’ve been loved and I am just like her.
• Because of His sinless life, I now have a perfect record of loving my neighbor. He perfectly loved rule-breakers. This record of perfect love for my rule-breaking neighbor is mine now; knowing this relieves my guilt. Even though I continue to fail to love, His record is mine.
• Because of His substitutionary death, I am completely forgiven for my sin…even the sins that I seem to fall into at the slightest provocation. God has no wrath left for me because He poured it all out on His Son. He’s not disappointed or irritated. He welcomes me as a beloved daughter.
• Because of His resurrection (and the justification it brings), I know that the power of sin in my life has been broken. Yes, I’ve failed again, but I can have the courage to continue to fight sin because I’m no longer a slave to it. This replaces despair with faith to wage war against my selfishness and pride.
• Because of His ascension and reign, I know that this situation isn’t a mere chance happening. He’s orchestrated it so that I will remember Him and be blessed by the gospel again. He’s ruling over my life and interceding for me right now. I’m not a slave to chaos or chance. He’s my Sovereign King and I can rest in His loving plan today and rejoice in Him.
• And, because of His promised return, I know that all the doubt, injustice and struggle will one day come to an end. This line in this grocery store and my plans for dinner isn’t all there is. There’s the great good news of the gospel. I can go home now and share with my family and guests how Jesus met me at the grocery store and we can rejoice together in His work on our behalf.

Read the whole thing.

HT: Justin Taylor

Bacha Bazi means “boy play”. It was banned in Afghanistan under the Taliban and remains illegal. But that hasn’t stopped it.

Young boys who are often orphans or are sold by their families are taught to sing and dance. They dance before groups of men and then are sold to the highest bidder to entertain him the rest of the night.

This is slavery. The boys are trapped and there is no way out. If they do try to escape they are are killed.

Recently Frontline on PBS aired an episode called, “The Dancing Boys of Afghanistan.” It isn’t easy to watch. But I hope you do. Then I hope you pray for these boys.

HT: Talk Islam

Peace involves restoration of relationship, possible only when misdeeds are duly acknowledged. An element of “repentance” is thus needed for “peace” to be effectual.

Related Post:
Sin Destroys Peace

As God opens your eyes to see how you have sinned against others, he simultaneously offers you a way to find freedom from your past wrongs. It is called confession. Many people have never experienced this freedom because they have never learned how to confess their wrongs honestly and unconditionally. Instead, they use words like these: “I’m sorry if I hurt you.” “Let’s just forget the past.” “I suppose I could have done a better job.” “I guess it’s not all your fault.” These token statements rarely trigger genuine forgiveness and reconciliation. If you really want to make peace, ask God to help you breathe grace by humbly and thoroughly admitting your wrongs. One way to do this is to use the Seven A’s.

1. Address everyone involved (All those whom you affected)
2. Avoid if, but, and maybe (Do not try to excuse your wrongs)
3. Admit specifically (Both attitudes and actions)
4. Acknowledge the hurt (Express sorrow for hurting someone)
5. Accept the consequences (Such as making restitution)
6. Alter your behavior (Change your attitudes and actions)
7. Ask for forgiveness

See Matthew 7:3-5; 1 John 1:8-9; Proverbs 28:13.

HT: Justin Taylor

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Repentance
Sin Destroys Peace
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I Am Sorry, I Was Wrong, Will You Please Forgive Me?